How do you put into words how much you miss somebody?
I've been trying for over a year now to find the words or inspiration to sum up how much I miss one of my best and most treasured friends. My wifey, my amazing, beautiful and hilarious friend.
I remember our very last night-in together. A night where she opened up a little more than she usually did and for some reason I took in everything she said but didn't push any further. Looking back, I should have known something wasn't right; no, everything was completely wrong. She wasn't happy. She hadn't been happy for a ridiculous amount of time and I didn't realise. How selfish is that? I knew things weren't all perfect and hunky-dory either, but I didn't know the extent to which her life was changing and how alone she had been in her sadness.
Why didn't she tell me how she was feeling? I judge myself now. I know how it feels as a close friend to feel taken advantage of, or only to be there for the bad stuff whilst watching other people get the good stuff. Was I that friend? Was I the one burdening someone else with all of my crap whilst she suffered in silence? If that was me, I will never be sorry enough because now it is too late. I may have lost her forever.
Life has been incredibly lonely since the last time I saw you. It has been around 16 months. I'm not alone; I have the boys and Ian obviously. I have other friends but I've struggled without you. Not to just offload all my shite, either. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss our little quirks and the fun we have on the rare occasion we get to go out. I miss the strawberry lager we used to have. I miss our mutual love of gin. I miss reminiscing about the good old days of our late teens when I always got my way and we used to go to Baja (if I could take back our time, I promise I'd go to Ikon just this once okay?). I miss being exasperated at you loving the Kardashians. I miss talking about True Blood. I miss your voice. I miss your smell. I miss seeing the look you give the boys and how much you love them and they you. They still love you. They miss you too. And we've missed the opportunity to be there for you.
I don't know if you've realised, although you probably have, that I stopped following you on Instagram. It seems like such a simple act, but it can mean a lot. The reason isn't that I don't want to know about you anymore, or that I don't want to see how happy you are. I want to know you're happy, but I don't know if you want me to be part of that and it hurts. I needed to be cut off until I could get around not seeing you anymore but I hope you know that you mean so much to me. That leads to the question though; do you want me in your life? Do you want me to just be in the periphery? I want to know though, where you want me?
Your life has changed irrevocably and I love that you are happy. I am so pleased you found where you needed to be all along and that you are truly happy, or are at least on a path that will lead there. I hope that you are with who you are supposed to be with. I need you to know that I am so happy for you and completely support you. I'm sorry you couldn't or didn't want to tell me about the big events that have happened this year. I am sorry that I'm not sure where I fit in your life anymore, if I fit in it at all. I'm not sure if you know yet either. But, if you do, just let me know. I will understand no matter what.
I hope she understands why I need to write this now. I hope she sees it. She will, because I'll stop being a wimp and will send her the link. That's as far as my courage will go though.
I've been trying for over a year now to find the words or inspiration to sum up how much I miss one of my best and most treasured friends. My wifey, my amazing, beautiful and hilarious friend.
I remember our very last night-in together. A night where she opened up a little more than she usually did and for some reason I took in everything she said but didn't push any further. Looking back, I should have known something wasn't right; no, everything was completely wrong. She wasn't happy. She hadn't been happy for a ridiculous amount of time and I didn't realise. How selfish is that? I knew things weren't all perfect and hunky-dory either, but I didn't know the extent to which her life was changing and how alone she had been in her sadness.
Why didn't she tell me how she was feeling? I judge myself now. I know how it feels as a close friend to feel taken advantage of, or only to be there for the bad stuff whilst watching other people get the good stuff. Was I that friend? Was I the one burdening someone else with all of my crap whilst she suffered in silence? If that was me, I will never be sorry enough because now it is too late. I may have lost her forever.
Life has been incredibly lonely since the last time I saw you. It has been around 16 months. I'm not alone; I have the boys and Ian obviously. I have other friends but I've struggled without you. Not to just offload all my shite, either. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss our little quirks and the fun we have on the rare occasion we get to go out. I miss the strawberry lager we used to have. I miss our mutual love of gin. I miss reminiscing about the good old days of our late teens when I always got my way and we used to go to Baja (if I could take back our time, I promise I'd go to Ikon just this once okay?). I miss being exasperated at you loving the Kardashians. I miss talking about True Blood. I miss your voice. I miss your smell. I miss seeing the look you give the boys and how much you love them and they you. They still love you. They miss you too. And we've missed the opportunity to be there for you.
I don't know if you've realised, although you probably have, that I stopped following you on Instagram. It seems like such a simple act, but it can mean a lot. The reason isn't that I don't want to know about you anymore, or that I don't want to see how happy you are. I want to know you're happy, but I don't know if you want me to be part of that and it hurts. I needed to be cut off until I could get around not seeing you anymore but I hope you know that you mean so much to me. That leads to the question though; do you want me in your life? Do you want me to just be in the periphery? I want to know though, where you want me?
Your life has changed irrevocably and I love that you are happy. I am so pleased you found where you needed to be all along and that you are truly happy, or are at least on a path that will lead there. I hope that you are with who you are supposed to be with. I need you to know that I am so happy for you and completely support you. I'm sorry you couldn't or didn't want to tell me about the big events that have happened this year. I am sorry that I'm not sure where I fit in your life anymore, if I fit in it at all. I'm not sure if you know yet either. But, if you do, just let me know. I will understand no matter what.
I hope she understands why I need to write this now. I hope she sees it. She will, because I'll stop being a wimp and will send her the link. That's as far as my courage will go though.
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